Shedding the Literal Shell

Found this slug outside after the Celebration of Life/Memorial service on Wednesday. Hello, beautiful. Maybe it's a snail? To me it looks like a slug still carrying that beautiful chambered nautilus shell around. Not quite to full slug status yet. This week I'm celebrating being at a midway point too. I went to the doctor Monday morning and cheered out loud while I was on the scale. I've lost 32 pounds over the past two years. I've been to the doctor more than once in the pass two years and watched the numbers go down, but this time I dipped under 200 pounds. That feels like an accomplishment. Slowly, but surely. Little changes, mindfulness. Sticking with it. Paying attention to my feelings. The yoga mat, the yoga mat, the yoga mat. And not trying to do it all at once. I don't even have a numeric goal in mind. However I do know that I have 41 more pounds to go if I want to move into the healthy weight zone on the BMI chart. First stop, just plain overweight and not obese. I'm not there yet.

Separating with R. a couple years ago really woke me up. I had to shed a couple thick layers of denial about myself, R., and our relationship. He's always sharing little recovery gems with me from the program/fellowship and here's one of them: "Denial is self-acceptance run riot." Oooo, that hits close to home. It really hit me hard how I let my self care go during round 1 of our relationship. Now I pay attention to my eating that way I pay attention to pain. It's tells me things and a lot of times it's not that I'm hungry. It's the usual suspects - feelings that I'm avoiding - boredom, confusion, hurt, disappointment, nervousness, excitement, exhaustion from lack of sleep and rest, forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, treating myself for doing those things. I don't always stop what I'm eating even when I realize why, but I am more clued in. And now in round 2, R. and I sometimes go to yoga together, take more walks, talk more, eat less, sit in silence, sing and sway in church for 2 hours at a time.

I wrote a letter to my yoga teachers at Seattle Yoga Arts last summer before I left for my summer internship in Spiritual Direction. I'm going to post it below because I still feel the same way. Full of gratitude and like I have a new home that I carry with me. A different shell so to speak. A literal and figurative yoga mat where I can bring anything, absolutely anything and let my body feel it completely and challenge and/or be gentle with myself. Listen. Give me back to myself and offer a healthier self to God and the world.

I forget this, but sleep and rest are important parts of weight loss. At least it has been for me. I'm sorry for all you mothers. I actually have control over my sleep schedule and this week I've been putting myself to bed by 10:00 pm most nights and waking up naturally around 6 or 6:15 sleeping like a baby, like a rock. And I've noticed I'm eating less during the day and at night. Except last night I took a looonnnggg ass bath and got out of the tub after 10. Lately that room and tub is like my little reading chamber. Nice and warm, encompassing. And then I played scrabble on my iPhone until my eyes wouldn't stay open. Oops. And I'm laughing this morning because I bought a plain sesame seed bagel on my walk to work and then came over to Victrola and bought myself a plain croissant forgetting I bought a bagel less than 5 minutes ago. I put my hand in my pocket to get my head phones out and felt this big lump and laughed looking at la luna next to my iced tea. I'm cracking myself up typing about it. Pray for me. :)

I've been here before in this middle place and I made it to the healthy place. I lost 50 pounds several years ago and then proceeded to gain it all back a few years later. It's never too late to try again. It's never too late to choose Life.

I believe in saying thank you and acknowledging what people and places mean to me. Thank you Seattle Yoga Arts. I'll be continuing to write about you and sing your praises. You mean a lot to me.

Thank you, Julia. She's been going to SYA for a decade or more and was my first exposure to the studio. Then she became my partner in crime at 6:45 a.m. We're not doing that crazy shit anymore, but we're still on the mats next to each other at a more reasonable hour, cheering each other on. You're a gem.

.........................................

06.27.2009

Denise, Lisa, Beth, and all the other teachers of the SYA community,

Sitting at my table with a cold and thinking if I can’t be at class I can at least write up this thank you note I’ve been thinking about.

I’ve been meeting once a month with a spiritual director for a few years. Lately we’ve been starting our meetings with Lectio Divina with the gospels. In Lectio Divina you spend a fair amount of time just sitting in silence and seeing what arises. Last month we used the section in the gospel of Luke about The Wise and Foolish Builders. The phrase dug down deep from Luke 6:46 – She is like a woman building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock, stood out to me. Suzanne asked me what’s helping you dig down deep and my automatic response was yoga. I had just come off of a week where I had attended my usual 2 classes and a makeup class with Denise. I heard such empowering, encouraging messages that week. From Lisa “I want to see everyone trying so hard that you’re falling out of the pose”, from Beth “Let’s talk about Namaste – it doesn’t mean thanks for class, see you next week – in it’s condensed version it means I see you…I see you…I see you”, from Denise “There are no failures in yoga, there are no failures in yoga.” I just sat there beaming at Suzanne. We’ve talked about yoga a lot this past year. It’s been a rich teacher and comfort for me.

I’ve been attending classes Seattle Yoga Arts since 2006 I think. I hung out in Denise’s Wednesday night gentle class for a couple of years hearing a bunch of good messages and marking time. I would call this my first yoga gestating period, I’m sure there will be others. Not quite ready to leave the womb yet. I tried a couple of workshops and the one that really planted some seeds was Meg’s moving into meditation. I was real hesitant to go, but I made it. I did all three classes and what Meg had to say about the mat being a place to bring and sit with things resonated.

I experienced a loss last summer and I didn’t really want to talk about it with a lot of folks, but I did experience a stirring to take it to the mat so to speak. So I asked Julia if she’d be interested in adding the Monday 7 am class to her routine and I started walking past her place at 6:45 am on Mondays. I thought I would not continue with that class. Shannon’s class was really challenging for me. My hands were sweating, I felt like throwing up, my legs were shaking. I remember saying to Julia one morning I don’t think this time is working for me. Maybe I need to try another evening class. But, I loved being at the studio in the quiet with a small group of people, practicing in a circle, hearing from Shannon “bow to the self, offer your heart to community, be your own soul mate” and that first class I took from her we worked our way through a beautiful poem line by line. And so I had a little talk with myself – go to bed earlier and try telling yourself a different message like “I’m getting stronger” So I wrote “I’m getting stronger” on a sticky note and posted it on my computer monitor at work and kept going to class. And by the end of that first class I decided it was time to leave gentle Wednesday and I added Lisa’s morning class on Wednesdays. I also did the winter intensive and the New Year’s class this past year. So amazing to compare 2007’s Gratitude practice with the New Year’s class and see my improvement in strength, stamina, and grace for myself – acceptance of where I am and commitment to practice, to not abandon myself.

Now I’m off on Saturday to do a month long internship in Spiritual Direction. I’ll be gone from the hood for a spell this summer, but I’m packing my yoga strap and Lisa’s stick figure drawings to take with me. I’ve signed myself up for the summer intensive as a motivator while I’m away and something to look forward to when I return.

I am deeply grateful for the studio’s presence in my neighborhood and the words you speak into our lives in class and via e-mail poems and newsletters. My sacrum, my lungs, my shoulders, my spine, and my quads thank you too.