Begin Again (Sermon Text)

Washington 5-day Academy for Spiritual Formation

February 2010, Last Worship Service Proclamation

Gospel Reading:

John 14: 1-4 NIV

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.

14-19

“You may ask for anything in my name, and I will do it. If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept her, because it neither sees her nor knows her. But you know her, for she lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you [2x]. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.

25-27

“All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

The word of Life for the people of God.

Thanks be to God.

Liz asked us about mentors this week and I want to take a moment to acknowledge the seen and unseen presence of my mentors and other people in the room with me who are loving me and praying me into this space...

Liberation Ministries

Sara B.

Anton

Glenda

Mary

Matt

Trudy

Denise

Dawna

Suzanne

Robert

Sarah

Jordan

Kelly

Darrell

My sister

My mom

I can hear your voices, I can see your faces, I know you’re here with me.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing unto you O God, my strength and my redeemer.

What a deeply rich week. We have been blessed. Blessed by the holy ground of this beautiful place and the holy ground of each other. The geese, the trees, the water, the mountains, the sun, the rain, the stars, the learning, the shared meals, the conversations, the silence, the laughter, the tears, the song, the prayer - the very rhythm of the Academy days. The presence of the Holy One within and among us. Our own little pilgrimage And now we’re preparing to depart. We’re preparing to leave this place and begin again with our everyday lives. You know the ones we’ve been talking about all week - hurry up and make those lists while you’re here, the ones with the little boxes before we get home and everyday life rushes in to fill all that glorious space we carved out inside ourselves here practicing saying no on paper to all those things and people to whom we have not been given and who have not been given to us, saying yes to some things that have been quietly nudging us, whispering in our ears or maybe it’s a loud roar, things that wake us up at night or keep you from falling asleep, things that may give us a little happy flutter in our stomachs. Things that feel like a dull ache in our hearts, a longing in our souls. Most likely, these things nudging us are countercultural and will require swimming upstream in the society we live in. Saying no is countercultural. Saying I’m full is countercultural. Saying I’m taking today to do nothing and meaning it is countercultural. Committing to following Jesus, not just saying we believe in him, but committing to following him is countercultural. It has been my experience that these things take effort, learning how to swim up stream is exhausting.

So much easier to feel the quiet here, so much easier to make a rule of life here that seems doable, so much easier to check off our little prayer boxes while we’re here with a community and bells and a chapel down the hall or a single flight of stairs. Not to mention, prayer times that are followed by meals prepared by others and dishes that are washed by others. It’s so much easier to be who we want to be here in this community.

Robert posed a St. Benedict question to us on Monday this week and asked us again a day or two later. I think St. Benedict picked it up from a psalmist.

Is there anyone here that yearns for life and desires good days?

THIS IS NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

Let me ask again, is there anyone here that yearns for life and desires good days?

Thank you.

I think what some of us are realizing this week is that we can’t assume that the life we’re actually living, not the one we dream about for someday in the future, no, not that one - we can’t pretend the life we’re actually living is answering that question in the affirmative, is saying yes, God I yearn for life and desire good days - saying yes, God, meet me in my yearning. I will follow you. And we can’t take for granted that there will be time for that life later, that it will be easier later. The time - is - now.

I think some of us are here, not just because we needed a retreat - a break from the daily routine (and that is reason enough - if that’s why you’re here God bless you, I hope you got what you needed), but some of us are here because we’re trying to respond to that nudge, that whisper, that roar. We’re exhausted, but Lord, we are hungry. We may even be joyful, but we’re BOLD to want more of YOU. We are hungry and we are longing for an integrated life. We want to live our calling and not be slaves to our jobs and the shoulds and the to do lists, we want to be free to order our lives according to the Gospel. We want to follow - and maybe we don’t know how or perhaps we don’t know what that means - to follow Jesus. Or I think it’s quite likely that some of us know how and we know exactly what that means for us - and we’re afraid. I’ve had a pretty good idea of what that means for me and I have been afraid. I’ve been paralyzed by fear. I had to admit to myself that I was scared if I laid it down I wouldn’t be able to comfort myself with my privileged life, my known life - comfortable or not. Am I alone in this? Is anyone else out there willing to admit that you have a pretty good idea about what it means to live your unique calling to follow Jesus and you’ve been afraid too? And we’re afraid or we’ve been afraid because we know deeply in our bones that nothing, truly nothing, will ever be the same. The poem I read on the first night - PASSOVER REMEMBERED, that poem tells the truth - doesn’t it?

Some of you will be so

changed

by weathers and wanderings

that even your closest friends

will have to learn your features

as though for the first time.

Some of you will not change at

all.

Some will be abandoned

by your dearest loves

and misunderstood by those

who have known you since

birth

and feel abandoned by you.

And yet, have we ever stopped to consider that Jesus meant what he said - he’ll send the Spirit of Truth, the Counselor - that he will not leave us as orphans? That he will be with us. That we know the way to the place where he is going? That we know the place to where he is.

Do we ever stop to consider that nothing short of FREEDOM is on the other side of surrender? That there might actually be JOY waiting on the other side of change? New life, new energy, and companionship found in swimming upstream?

Do we actually believe in the resurrection? Not the big one, that is less interesting to me. I’m talking about the daily resurrections of our lives or are we stuck on the cross?

I was stuck on the cross for a long time. And by stuck on it I don’t mean loving it or seeing it as the pinnacle of our religious tradition. I love Ash Wednesday, but I do not love Good Friday - that’s a conversation for another time.

What I mean is I was stuck on the pain part, anticipating how horribly gut wrenching changing my life would be and retreating in fear, unwilling to do what it would take, unable to let go. I might actually have to engage in dialogue and god forbid some conflict. I might have to tell the truth about myself and admit to how I was really feeling and not just what I thought other people wanted me to feel. I might have to let go of how life should be, how family should be, and look clearly at my life as it is. I needed to own up to who I really wanted to be in the world and start “plowing the earth of myself” in order to get there. I might have to start being interested in my own life instead of the lives of others.

In all my focus on the fear of pain, I forgot about the empty tomb. I forget about the resurrection. I forgot about the part where we’re promised the chance to begin again. Over and over and over again. And that we will not be alone. I forgot about the shared meal on the banks of the Sea of Galilee. I forgot about the companionship on the road to Emmaus.

But a few years ago, it got to the point where I couldn’t not change my life. Life started changing for me and I’m not talking about one thing, I’m talking about several things. The 100 year old church where I was a ruling elder closed a necessary, but sad and groaning death, a romantic relationship ended, I lost my housing, and I cut off all communication with my father - all of this happened within the span of a few months. One of those four things was in my control, the other three were completely outside of it.

Thankfully this all happened while I was in the two year Academy, we’re not kidding when we say your life will never be the same. I was not orphaned. I was not left alone. I was surrounded by an amazing group of praying people, truth tellers, fellow seekers and pilgrims. All learning how to lay it down and begin again.

I echo Robert and say pick one thing to get rid of that is sucking the life out of you and pick one longing to follow through on. Change one thing, change everything. I sincerely believe it. For this season of my life it’s been letting go of unhealthy relationships, personal and corporate, and committing to a yoga practice, answering my longing to know my body and get stronger.

I stand here before you a changed person. I believe in resurrection. I am living a new life. And to borrow a line or two from the poet Stanley Kunitz,

“Though I lack the art

to decipher it,

no doubt the next chapter

in my book of transformations

is already written.

I am not done with my changes.”

I was so afraid of everything. And for this season I think I’m telling the truth when I say I’m not afraid of much. I think it’s safe to say that I feel very aware right now that this is my one and precious life, my own precious human body, complete with my own unique challenges and gifts and I don’t want to waste it. And I don’t want anyone else’s life either. I want mine - the one that God knit together in my mother’s womb. The Lord is my shepherd, whom shall I fear? The Lord is our shepherd of whom shall we be afraid?

A couple months ago I started back at the jail after a 4 month mandatory break based on new Federal Regulations and requirements to go through another background check and security clearance. I now free roam the jail and go to inmates where they are, meeting them in attorney client privilege rooms - no video cameras, no panic buttons, no corrections officers just outside the door. I was meeting with a new person my first night back and at the end of our conversation the person said to me (language has been changed, this is the Disney version of this conversation):

Inmate: "I gotta give it to you, you coming in here and meeting alone with people and not being afraid. People in here have done some really scary stuff. Heck, I've done some scary stuff, and even I'm afraid of them. And you're not afraid?"

Me: "No."

Inmate: "What are you - a Christian?"

Me: "Yes."

Inmate (said with a little disdain and mockery): "O, so you're protected by GOD? JESUS got your back?"

Me: "Nope, that's not it. I think [horrible] things can happen to anyone Christian or not. (Pause) I've been coming here for awhile now, Shanti's been at the jail for over 10 years, and people really appreciate it. Almost every single person I meet with says "thank you" - multiple times, says "I really appreciate you coming." Sometimes they say "Don't forget about me." I don't have an agenda. I'm not a lawyer or a social worker. I can't do anything for you, but I listen. People respect that, they value that, they don't want to jeopardize it. So, if anyone [messes] with me, the program is done and that's what makes me feel safe. That may be naive, but that's it."

I think it was the "right" answer so to speak.

I'm grateful to say I felt really centered. And that that feeling of centeredness and being free from fear was palpable. One of those moments where I felt like I had a Love in my life making me so calm, so centered, so clear, so much stronger than I could ever imagine. And in that way I did feel a form of protection through God's presence within me and encompassing me, sitting across the table from me in a person asking for the truth and not some platitude. Thankful that the words came without effort.

I don’t believe God protects us from suffering or that Jesus has our backs. But, I believe deeply that we will not be left alone. I was not left alone in that room. I was not left alone in my life. You will not be left alone.

Is there anyone here that yearns for life and desires good days? Is there anyone here willing to empty out and begin again in new life?

I can hear you whispering your answers.

The changes are coming whether we want them to or not. Robert and Sara were blissed out in their garden toasting wine glasses enjoying the spring breeze when change came. We can fight it and try to fit it into our ideas of how life should be, completely missing or ignoring the invitation to new life OR we can surrender to the one and precious life that is waiting for us and begin again in new life trusting that even if we are left by ourselves we will not be left alone. The Spirit is here. The Spirit is here. Jesus has gone ahead to prepare a place for us. We know the way to the place he is going.

Be gentle with yourselves.

Be gentle with yourselves,

but keep moving.

Don’t try to figure it out.

Just keep moving.

Please hold the hand of the person or persons sitting next to you.

And so we end as we began:

Sing songs as you go,

and hold close together.

You may at times grow

confused

and lose your way.

continue to call each other

by the names I’ve given you,

to help you remember who you are.

You will get where you are

going

by remembering who you are.

Touch each other

and keep telling the stories.

Make maps as you go

remembering the way back

from before you were born.

Remain true to this mystery.

Pass on the whole story.

Do not go back [to the old ways].

I am with you now

and I am waiting for you.

Begin again.

[Silence.]

Amen.

.....

Final Benediction:

Clean the littered beach.

Clear the lines of a forming poem.

The waters flood inward.

Dull stones again fulfill their glowing destinies

And emptiness is a cup

and holds the ocean.

-Denise Levertov

[Given to me in 2002 on a sweet little card that I keep in my bible. Thanks, Sarah.]

“Rise, let us be on our way”

Jesus, John 14: 31b