Surrender

Happy New Year, friends.

I look back at the posts from this year and feel spooked and grateful. I'm celebrating and I'm excited. This slug got some traction this year. Thank you for holding the space for me to voice what I've been desiring and following along as I try to live it out. Last January when I started this blog I wouldn't have predicted where I'm writing from right now: searching for new employment, applying to seminary, rebuilding my relationship with R.

I also realize over and over again how I wrestle with discipline. Be it a daily practice like prayer & meditation, yoga at home, mindful eating, and exercise or a weekly practice like writing a blog post. Realizing this came as a surprise to me because the "J" in me wants order and loves planning, I'm dependable, consistent, a hard worker, etc. Things requiring solo execution that on the surface appear to be just for me, I like to do at my own speed, when I feel like it. Never mind the recovery principle of action before motivation which I actually believe in. Or the spiritual and religious teaching that says true freedom comes with discipline. Never mind that this reeks of the breeding ground of enabling behavior - so obvious as I type this. Basically, I'm describing bordering on neglecting true self care or putting it last on my actualized list even if it shows up first on the written list of the life I aspire to.

Or as R. and I call it - I have a lot of ideas. As in I'm ignoring myself right now, but let me tell you about yourself.

I have a lot of ideas about his life and everything else. I'm better at minding my own business when it comes to others (thank you, Shanti and Mercy Center), but he's my favorite person to have ideas for. "Have you thought about, I think you should, what about, mm. I don't know about that. Why did you do that?" When he's being generous with me he'll say "Hey, Idea Girl, what do you think about this?" He appreciates that me having ideas isn't all bad and I'm the source of a lot of good joking and button pushing. We did meet on a jobsite after all. I was the idea person and he was the executioner. Ha. Lucky for me and him there are programs for this.

This problem as it relates to discipline for me was first illuminated for me in a yoga workshop on starting a home practice. Our pre-class homework for the class was to take our yoga mats out at home and do five minutes of yoga for 4 days before the workshop - even if we only sat on our mats in meditation or laid in savasana. 1 person out of 20 or so completed this assignment. I found this interesting, but honestly I was thinking everyone has trouble establishing a home yoga practice, clearly I have company in this arena.

Then, I co-led and participated in the 5-day Academy this past fall and Robert had us do the work / prayer / rest / community exercise. He had us pick one category and list the things we were actually doing, not what we aspired to, what we actually did daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc. Wow. I did not have one prayer or meditation practice that I was committed to every day and it was right there on the paper. A large blank space under daily prayer.

Now that is not to say that I don't pray everyday - I do. But, I'm all over the map with my practices - I'm an equal opportunity pray-er and meditator. I love it all. Lighting candles, sitting in silence, writing lists, lectio divina, using mantras, breath prayers, prayer books, blah, blah, blah. My friend Kelly asked me if I couldn't just be thankful that I'm fed in so many different ways? And yes, I am!

You already know that I didn't post weekly here on this blog as planned or stated. I look back at the number of posts and divide by 52 and I come out just over 1 per week on average. I think the guy that wrote The Underachiev-er's Manifesto would be proud! I'm not an all or nothing kind of girl. I don't stop praying just because I don't do it the same way everyday, I don't stop going to yoga or getting my mat out once in awhile at home just because "I don't do it everyday so what's the point anyway?" If anything that beautiful, translucent slug taught me it was to just keep moving as I'm made.

I do want flexibility in my life. I do want to go with the flow. I don't want to be rigid.

However.

I think this daily discipline thing is part of the answer to that question: Do I want to be healed?

I think my interior freedom is tied up with surrender to a daily practice, with surrender to God and leaving space for stillness and not fill every moment with all of my ideas. I'm grateful for my mind and

I think discipline is the keystone to my wholeness - showing humility to the Mystery I was created in, recognizing I'm not in control and I want to listen and say thank you. Ask for the help or Grace I need and not try to figure it out or do it all on my own.

So, I'm not getting ready to promise that I'll be here every week at a certain date and time. I haven't made a decision about whether or not to keep this blog going all of 2011. It wasn't intended to be a life time thing and it's possible that it has served it's purpose. New life is being born in me, I couldn't ask for more than that. However, I do have thoughts almost daily that I'd like to get down and out, so I'm not planning on leaving this blog right now. Turns out Year of the Slug wants a little more time.

I am saying that Surrender is the word for me this year. Stopping. Laying it down, whatever it is, everyday, in gratitude for my life - 20 minutes of intentional time everyday.

I didn't do it today, shocker. I was disciplined in December with this practice, but the past couple of days I've been waking up with energy and excitement to start my job search so I just blast past the quiet time with my enthusiasm.

Warning sign. Full of myself. What? Do I not trust that the enthusiasm will still be there if I take 20 minutes to sit and say Thank you? Speak, Lord, your servant is listening?

I think I'm one of those people that likes talking and thinking about it almost more than actually doing it. O look at that beautiful list I've made for the perfect, most holistic day, week, etc.

That's why they call it a practice. I won't give up. I'm faithful in my own way. Slow, but faithful. And because I have actually followed through on a regular, albeit sporatic, basis I know I do like the practice more than the idea of the practice. Feels so good when I finally do surrender.

Good night, sweet dreams.

Em

P.S. The banner picture and the picture at the top of this post were taken by Sara Blandford when I was with her and Leo on the Cape this fall. Those white strings on those bare branches wave surrender to me. I see myself placing something on that natural altar in offering. Thank you for these pictures, sister.