Didn't Know How Much I Needed That

Spent a little over 24 hours with my sister this past weekend. It's taken me by surprise how good it feels to have her so close. I found myself getting really soft inside as the ferry approached the dock and seeing her wave at me down the way, both of us smiling big smiles and laughing when we caught up with each other. I thought I might start crying. I didn't, but it was close. And she let me hold her soft little hand for a little bit. I can be annoying with my affection and my need to talk things to death, but she's giving in a little (smile).

There's some kind of relief in me having her nearby, having family nearby. A celebration in me watching her life unfold and the timing of it all with the changes in my own life. I'm so thankful and in awe. I didn't know I needed this. It's pretty awesome to see and hear about the affects her simple, caring actions with my dad have had on his well being. To see her as a trained professional and watch her years of experience with children be put to use with Americorps. She's ready for this time and I love having a front row seat.

Went back to a meeting today that I haven't been to in almost 2 years. I've been resistant to going back and resentful if I'm honest. "One more thing I should do, one more prescription, I don't want to listen to all that, I don't need this, I've done enough. I'm doing enough. I've got a Spiritual Director, I've got a therapist, etc." As I was sitting there listening to people share it felt good to be there and I realized I was angry and on edge. I associate that place and those meetings with things falling apart, with admitting that things are not going well, not that things are going well and I want to maintain a healthy self and relationship(s). I associate that place with defeat and giving up instead of life giving surrender. Even though my own life was saved. I sit there and laugh, nod, mmm, and wrestle away inside. There's so much wisdom in that room and I don't agree with everything. I also like to do my surrendering in private thank you very much. Liberation is helping me work on that. There's so much wisdom in the program and it pisses me off. Will someone please share a story about things working out???

O wait, I'm not there to force my image of things working out on anyone or anything including myself. Maybe I should keep going back.

There they were, the little golden nuggets, as R. calls them, that I needed and didn't know I needed until I went. Sometimes I think something in me knows what I need, but I wrestle with myself until I'm worn out and the kingdom of God within me and around me wins, because that damn thing always has more staying power. The consistent non-anxious presence that's just waiting for me to be still. And there they all are waiting to receive me. To every thing there is a season. Who knows how long it will last, but this is a meeting season.

F*ing pride.

Grant us, O Lord, to trust in you with all our hearts; for, as you always resist the proud who confide in their own strength . . . .

Thank you, Robert. Didn't know I needed that nudge and digital comraderie. The highlighting of foolishness.

I realize now that one of the things I was just begging for I already received in a class I took earlier this year. The instructors had horror stories that resolved in reconciliation and fullness of Life with the people they were in the trenches with, how hopeful! How wise to have these role models teaching the class. Just remembered that sitting here. Didn't know that I had what I was looking for until I sat still and started writing this post yesterday. One of the sections in that book Sabbath is about wearing ourselves out being seekers. The author suggests maybe it's time to be a finder with what's already among us or as a Buddhist friend of mine says I think there comes a time when you have to stop searching and start practicing.

Sitting with my therapist last week and thanking her for believing in healing. I shared with a friend last week how meaningful it was for me to realize that I needed that. When I was meeting with K. the second time a few months ago I was asking her some questions about herself and she said I'm happy to answer these questions, but how do you think it would help you. I answered her that I guess I assumed that she believed in healing and I needed to know that she did. And she said, "O yes, I do. I do believe in healing." I keep thinking about this. She's been doing this for a long time with a lot of people and she still believes in healing. I've come to realize that part of my grief is knowing people that need to be healed and won't surrender or are not supported by society and don't receive the healing I think they need, that I can understand. So, when I'm there I believe in her belief, trusting her experience and I'm laying it down. I'm going to take special care to be mindful of the people I'm around and asking them this question if necessary. When I answer Jesus' question "do you want to be healed?" I want to answer in the trusting company of others and especially under the guidance of others who do believe. I want to ask that question of myself when I am serving as well. Do I believe this when I am "helping?"

I think it's good practice for me to say I don't know, not to fake not knowing, but when I really don't know to remind myself that I don't have to know everything right now. It will be revealed in time. Talking with K. last week I was telling her how sometimes I feel my whole body and mostly my mind squinting and leaning forward to see 1000 feet in front me. What's that wreckage up there? And I'm 1000 feet back trying to figure out what it's going to be and how to avoid it. Turns out there might not be any wreckage up ahead at all and I'm missing out on where I am right now while I'm squinting away, craning away, possibly manufacturing the wreckage, trying to see the future. What a relief.

Went to Mass at St. Ignatius. Started crying as the liturgy began. I'm not Catholic, but I am catholic. Tears of relief, familiarity thinking of Mercy Center, and sadness that while I am a member of the body of Christ, the human family, I am an outsider of some sorts there. I took a blessing today instead of bread at communion. I'll be honest, sometimes I just take communion, but today I wanted a hand on my forehead more than bread. The priest had the nicest smile. I don't remember what he said, but it felt good to be blessed. Needed that more than I thought. Bolted out of my apartment today leaving my bed stripped and laundry undone. It can wait. I needed that.

I am blessed by this time which I knew was needed on some level, that to stay at work would be malpractice as a friend of Sarah MK's says, but I had no idea how much I needed the fullness and emptying of this time. And I'm grateful holding the knowledge that it is a privilege, that not everyone who needs this kind of time gets it! I pray to live it well.

It's awesome and I am laying down some things. I'm having trouble getting to sleep and staying awake some nights clinging to other things. I have an image in my head of walking up to the altar and giving up one small stone at a time. Meanwhile the invitation is to leave it all there the whole damn pile, the whole quarry, all of it, all of me.

May it be so. It's not all about me anyway. A post for another time.